For many years I have deliberately avoided reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” books as my personal silent protest against softcore “Mommy Porn” fiction. Unfortunately, I was recently taken to see the movie version of the books and forced to witness the popularized depiction of my sexuality for ignorant vanilla populace consumption.
My very early impression of this the movie was “OMG this is so freaking boring. Where is the sexual tension”… Since seeing the movie on Valentines Day (Not my idea… Trust me!), I have slowly moved from dismissively annoyed to angry and offended. Hence why I am writing this blog article.
Why angry and offended? I consider myself a relatively intelligent person so I hate when my intelligence is insulted by the news, Hollywood or by an author. I fully recognized that this is a romantic fiction based loosely on the formula of the Twilight vampire-romance trilogy but still there is no reality to this story about the real dynamics in a BDSM relationship or in life. It’s just pure romanticized fiction without factual basis.
For example, this Mr. Grey is portrayed as this brilliantly successful business entrepreneur at the age of 30 (seriously?) but chooses a sexually immature wall flower of a girl as his submissive sex toy of choice when he could have any beautiful woman he wants (seriously?). To make my point more clearly, the comedian John Stewart once made joke several years ago after 911 attacks about the motivation of radicalize Muslims to become terrorists “Did you know that many young Muslim men become martyrs for their cause because they are promised that in heaven they will receive 99 virgins… I can’t speak for all men out there but after about 3 virgins, don’t you think you want someone who knows what they are doing in bed?”.
So Mr. Grey is smart enough to build a billion dollar corporation but still dumb enough to want a virgin as his submissive sex slave. Holy crap that seems like a lot of frustrating and tedious training of sexual basics to me… This whole notion that men want “pure” virgins simply is the extension of “Good girls don’t like sex” puritan morality crap. I don’t want to come across as a jerk but I absolutely want a woman with lots of different sexual experiences and many different previous lovers because she then comes to me with lots of technique, experience and confidence in her own sexuality AND she knows what she actually wants sexually. She then knows she wants to be dominated and that she has been craving this for a very long time. It is not something I am trying to convince her of; it is something she has been secretly desiring for many years and now she is ready to embrace it. If a man is so sexually insecure that he only desires a woman who as never been touched by another man, then that says so much about his deep sexual securities and lack of confidence in bed as a man than it does her sexual purity.
As a man, I recognized that I did not fully embrace my Dom sexuality until my forties after my divorce. Why? It is combination of several factors but most importantly it takes time to mature to be comfortable in your own skin and comfortable with your sexuality to the point you are capable of actually recognizing what it is you truly need to be happy in life. That’s not to say I wasn’t wildly experimental in university with different sexual partners in my 20’s. But after university, society and family have a way of conveying the message that “It is time to settle down and grow up”, so we suppress who we really are for a conventional life of marriage, kids and suburbia. My point being is it takes time to “become” a Dom. For example, it takes time, experience and confidence to be able to tell a beautiful woman over dinner that “In my experience, even good girls need a good spanking on occasion” with a naughty smile and with no fear of rejection, simply to gauge her reaction. I could not have done that in my 20’s or 30’s nor would I have had the intelligence or life experience to know that was an ideal seemingly innocent ploy to make a woman to fully disclose her true sexual desires to me with a simple smile or knowing laugh.
The overwhelming characteristics of a Dom is confidence, calm and presence – It is a quiet energy that he exudes. A Dom is NOT controlling or domineering which comes from insecurities and a need for power because that would naturally make a woman feel uneasy or pressured which is the very opposite reaction of trust required to inspire a woman to submit. A Dom must project a quiet sexual confidence that inspires people to want to follow him and to trust him. Projecting confidence is very different to wearing expensive suits and driving exotic cars – That’s simply money. It is a quiet energy that radiates from a person like waves – George Clooney has that in spades. The second kind of energy that a Dom must project is a sense he is a “Bad Man”. Danger or a naughty impish bravado is a necessary requirement to excite the imagination and arouse the sexual curiosity of a woman. The portrayal Mr.Grey was a laughable cartoon in nice suits. He had no presence.
As a Dom, I am smart enough to know that there are many, many sexually uptight women who would be totally freaked out about being approached for BDSM acts if I blindly approached just any attractive woman out there in the wild. In fact, for a man of Mr. Grey’s power and notoriety, simply disclosing his sexuality to any woman could be extremely costly and publicly damaging if the information was sold to a tabloid for money.
in order to find a submissive the real trick is being able to separate the wheat from the chaff effectively. Almost all the subs I have had I have met via Match.com. I know that most women online dating site actually read profiles so I simply need to write a profile that coyly hints to my Dom sexuality that resonates with who they are and what they secretly desire and then, they will contact me. By simply contacting me, I already know who they truly are because they have self-identified themselves as having deep submissive desires.
Then there is the portrayal of the innocent, meek lamb of a woman being hunted by a big bad wolf of a man – like Little Red Riding Hood. Submission is not an act of being controlled but rather an act of deep trust and intimacy whereby a woman chooses to gives over control over her body to a man she deeply trusts to keep her safe while pushing her limits sexually. And submission is not an act of giving up control but an escape from the pressures of everyday life and constant decision making. The women who I am attracted to and who are attracted to me are intelligent, brilliantly funny, successful, stylish and strong women – doctors, lawyers, business owners, executives, school board superintendents, etc. They are not weak helpless women. They are strong incredibly sexual and deeply feminine women who crave a confident, highly sexual man who craves to devour them as women in the bedroom. They need a man who is not intimidated by their success, intellect, humour, money or sexual appetite – they crave their equal. The headline of my former Match.com profile was “Alpha Males Seeks Sexy Alpha Female Craving To Be Tamed”… Yes, it is the power of clever marketing messages that resonates with a target market… 😀
I recognize this is entertainment and not a documentary. I think Hollywood has found a wonderful way to generate millions of dollars from the vanilla populace who are sexually curious about BDSM and the kinky, dark sides of sexual desire. But don’t be mistaken. This book and movie have done a huge disservice to the entire BDSM community. This is the equivalent of Al Jolson’s portrayal of black people in the 1920 – it’s an uninformed cartoon caricature of reality and the general population thinks this crap is reality… If you want to see a more accurate portrayal of a Sensual Dominant relationship, watch “9 & 1/2 weeks” with Kim Basinger.
However, I have noticed that the traffic on my blog as significantly grown since the launch of the “Fifty Shades” movie on Feb 13, 2015… Hopefully a few readers will spread the truth to the populace…