For all the women who struggle with orgasms – Without being frivolous or dismissive about this serious issue, please try not to get too stressed about it. I know that is virtually impossible for you to do though. I strongly suspect that for most of you, there is likely nothing physically or medically wrong with you at all. You may simply be not in touch with your own bodies and you have had really bad male partners who have not aroused their mind and bodies… There is an epidemic of women who struggle to have orgasms who are convinced by men they are the problem or make them feel guilty or shamed for taking so long to cum.
The mind is our largest sex organ. For most women, 90% of orgasms are in your mind so if your mind is not relaxed and aroused, it is near impossible to succeed at achieving an orgasm even with just self-masturbation.
There is an old joke: “How do you get you wife in the mood for sex?” Do the dishes… The joke actually has a solid foundation in reality. Women are stressed out. Lowering the burden on them allows them to relax and address their other needs, including sex…
When Did It Become OK NOT To Give A Woman An Orgasm?
My former submissive (divorced, early 50’s) is one of those women who never felt sexy about herself and struggled with consistently achieving orgasms all her life, including during her marriage. Her ex-husband had convinced her there was something wrong with her as the reason for her anorgasmia. During our initial screening meeting, she confessed she struggled to cum, all the time. I smiled knowingly since I have had about 6 other subs in the same situation with inability to cum. During our first session, she came 5 times and squirts for the first time in her life – 3 times. She became an orgasm machine over the duration of our sessions. But I never once tried to convince her there was nothing wrong. I simply made her cum to show her there was nothing wrong with herself. She just needed to be shown the proof to break her out of her mental block, not convinced out of it.
How did I help her get over her mind block that she could not cum? I made her shop of a sexy lingerie outfit to dress up in including stockings, Come-Fuck-Me heels, makeup, hair, toes/nails, and jewelry for me… She spent 6 days thinking, shopping and preparing for our session. I flirted with her over text every day and she was forbidden to pleasure herself in any way for 5 days prior to our meeting. So by the time I reached her door, she was good and ready to explode for me! ;D
There was absolutely nothing wrong with her medically or physically but she was so uptight, stressed and frustrated, she was actually stopping herself from cumming. Her frustrations and fear of failure made it worse and perpetuated the problem.
One of the reasons I wrote the articles “Building Her Up!: Nurturing A Confident, Vivacious Submissive (https://dominantsoul.wordpress.com/psychology-of-submission/building-her-up/) was to give a recipe for not-so-creative men to follow so they could arouse the mind of a woman who was sexually frustrated and to make men aware their is much more to foreplay than “copping a feel”. Cumming is so much easier when you are not stressed, feeling sexy and your mind is aroused. I swear this is not rocket science or black magic… It is common sense, a dash of psychology and human physiology.
More importantly – Gentlemen, this is NOT work and requires so little effort! This is sexy, flirty, naughty adult fun. And I get an insatiable, uninhibited pornstar in my bed every time… Interested now?
Do You Have A Time Limit To Reach Orgasm?
Apparently, many women mentally time how much time they take to reach orgasm. As time progresses, they become increasing anxious, tense and frustrated which makes reaching orgasm even harder. And at some arbitrary point in time, some women simply fake an orgasm or change the focus away from their solo pleasure to something else during sex.
The first time a woman stopped me while I was pleasuring her, I was so confused by her abrupt insistence we change what we were doing in bed. I initially thought I did something wrong or something she didn’t like or I had hurt her. In her mind, time was up and she did not deserve any more of my focus on her sole pleasure and she didn’t want me to become frustrated whereas I was actually quite happy focusing just on her. She had be conditioned into believing all men get frustrated with her sexually based on her experience with ex-husband. He was never interested in her orgasm one bit. She had got into the habit of faking her orgasm or just not having an orgasm during sex then cumming with toys while he slept. Her purchase of sex toys actually signaled to him that he never had to make an effort to make her cum – it was her responsibility.
The idea that I actually enjoyed giving her pleasure or that pleasuring her was one way I expressed my love for her through actions or that hearing her cum was a huge turn on for me or that I took great pride as her lover in making her cum many times or that I didn’t care how long it took were all completely foreign concepts to her. It was a completely different perspective about her orgasm than she could imagine from any man…
- Why do you feel you don’t deserve as much time as it takes for you to cum?
- Do you feel your orgasm is your own responsibility?
- Do you regularly fake orgasms?
- Do you think faking an orgasm actually pleases your partner?
- Can you stop faking or has it become a habitual problem?
The reality is every woman is unique and every session is unique so there is no fixed timeframe for anyone to reach orgasm. If you have unrealistic expectations of your body when you are tired and stressed, reaching orgasm becomes “Mission Impossible”. However, the longer the period of mental arousal and stimulation, the easier orgasm is to achieve – flirting, eye contact, dirty talk, caressing or breast worship. All these aspects add to the unhurried process of arousing the mind and body of a woman.
Can A Good Mom Be a Naughty Slut?
The third major reason many women struggle with orgasms is the emotional conflict over motherhood and sex. So many women struggle with the contradicting duality of being a Good Mom and being a sexual woman. Rectifying being “mom” and being a sexual woman seems nearly impossible for most women. Most women seem to completely suppress their sexuality the minute kids appear in their lives by the way they dress, act and appear. Suddenly the sexy long hair, yoga pants and lingerie are gone to be replaced with short no-fuss hair, Mom jeans and flannel PJs. Many men complain that women also suppress their sexuality in fear of “What if the kids hear us” or “What if the kids come in?”. Ironically, the question “What if my husband starts looking for sex elsewhere” is not one of the questions in their heads.
It is virtually impossible for women to think about sex when their minds are worried or otherwise occupied. I have read several articles recommending couples rent a hotel room for the evening or have a weekend getaway to a B&B at just to provide a “different environment” to have sex where a woman can relax about the kids, the house chores, the neighbors or the bills and simply enjoy sex as a couple again.
Is Your Priest In Bed With You?
The final major factor facing women who cannot achieve orgasms is their
religious upbringing. Many repressive religions (Catholicism, United, Muslim, etc.) profess how bad sex is and how “good girls don’t enjoy sex”. This seriously affects many women psychologically who are highly sexual in adulthood by making them hold back or feel guilty for their sexual desires. Liking and enjoying sex puts many women in direct conflict with their childhood religious teachings. As we mature and find ourselves, it become much easier to fully embrace who we are sexually and shed shackles of religion in the bedroom. For women, that seems to come in their late thirties or early forties or after a divorce.
I think the Jewish faith has it right – Enjoy lots of guilt free sex and have lots of babies… I have never met a Jewish girl with sexual hang-ups (there are lots of other issues but not with enjoying sex :D).
- Anticipation, Foreplay & Arousal – The mind is our largest sex organ. It need to be aroused for the body to respond. The longer the period of mental arousal and stimulation, the easier orgasm is to achieve – flirting, eye contact, dirty talk, caressing or breast worship all add to the unhurried process of arousing the mind and body of a woman. Refer to “Pre-Foreplay: Arouse the Mind First, The Body Follows Eagerly” (https://dominantsoul.wordpress.com/psychology-of-submission/pre-foreplay/)
- Emotional Bond – Never under-estimate the importance and power of deep emotional connection to a lover to enhance the physical response of the body. Refer to “Trust & Intimacy: How Exclusivity Makes Sex & Submission Hotter!” (https://dominantsoul.wordpress.com/psychology-of-submission/how-exclusivity-makes-sex-bdsm-hotter/)
- Trust & Intimacy – In order to feel emotionally safe when you can feel fully exposed and vulnerable during orgasm, you need to feel trust and intimacy with a partner. If you feel you will be betrayed for being so exposed, expressive or loud, you will hold back which may make orgasms difficult to achieve. Refer to Hierarchy of Female Emotional Needs for Wild Sex: Unleashing Her “Inner Vixen”(https://dominantsoul.wordpress.com/self-understanding/unleashing-her-inner-vixen/)
- Your Favourite Sex Fantasies – Having a series specific fantasies which you can turn to during masturbation or during sex that arouses your mind intensely will make achieving orgasms much easier. This series of sure-fire mental fantasies that always turn you on (celebrities, romantic novel scenes, 3somes, sex at work, etc.) should be used whenever you need to push yourself over the edge
- Master Your Body & Mind – You cannot direct a partner about how to make yourself cum unless you know your own body and mind. You need to develop your own routine for relaxing, clearing your mind, and arousing your mind and body. Every woman is unique so you need to become the sexual guide of your body to your partner. Be the master of your own orgasms and your body. You need to know all the various ways that your body likes to be aroused so you can be the guide for your partner.
- Masturbate Regularly – Maintaining the mind/body connection to achieve orgasms is critical or you will lose it. If you have lost that mind/body connect, practice can bring it back. You need to be an expert at getting yourself off. Use whatever seems to work to turn you on (porn, vibes, and fireman calendars). Takes mental note of the process you followed to get yourself then try to repeat it next time and the time after. Take note of what specific masturbation techniques, motions, pressures and locations feel best for yourself…
- Ride ‘Em Cowgirl! – Most women DO NOT cum during intercourse simply because there is no clitoral stimulation in most sexual positions. I highly recommend you try cowgirl on the couch which give a woman the ability to grind her clit on his pelvis while she has full control of the motion and pace. It also leaves the guys hands and mouth free to caress/arouse her body, kiss her passionately or worship breasts with both hands and mouth…
- Ramp It Up!! – There is no such things as too many sex toys in this quest for orgasms. If you are struggling with achieving orgasms with your fingers, take to the next level by adding a vibe to your clit, or dildo into your pussy or butt plug in your ass or nipple clamps to your nipples or (D) All of the above (woohoo!). By stimulating more erogenous zones simultaneously, the quicker/easier it will become to cum…
- Clear Your Mind– Remember, sex starts in your mind so you need to set the mood so you get in the habit of clearing your mind. Regular exercise, yoga and meditation all help release stresses from the body and to clear the mind. Set your ambiance to something that helps you relax and escape by choosing a location, lighting/candles and music. Music, candles, incense all set a romantic/erotic environment to allow the mind to relax and serves to arouse all the senses.
- A New Location or Different Environment – A B&B, A Hotel, On the boat/At the cottage for the weekend, couples weekend in Las Vegas, Couples Holiday on the Beach – Being away from the kids, chores and bills allows the mind to be in the moment and not pre-occupied with worries. Stress kills the libido.
- Relax, clear your mind, enjoy the moment and have fun…
However, there are still some women who have much deeper issues achieving orgasm based on pharmaceutical interactions, childhood/adult sexual trauma or physical / medical issues. These kinds of problems can only be solved with the help of a medical professional.
Please feel free comment or “LIKE” or “SHARE” this article. If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment for me. I always look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email notifications or Twitter updates.
- Domination by Orgasm… (dominantsoul.wordpress.com)