Homework for Subs

Homework for the Novice Submissive: Choosing the Right Dominant for Yourself

By definition, a submissive is a person of free will who, of their own volition, chooses to give over control of their body, mind and soul to a Dominant to be trained.

You need to understand that you are putting your entire physical and emotional safety into the hands of a Dom so this decision requires much more trust than ANY vanilla sex partner you have ever had! The key point being a submissive chooses their own Dom… so choose wisely.

Here are a few things you need to think about in developing a selection criterion BEFORE approaching any Dom:

  • How to you feel about receiving pain? Do you like the idea? Why do you think you would enjoy it? Do you want to be with someone who would take pleasure in hurting you either mentally or physically or both?
  • What is your pain tolerance? Where do you fit on the pain tolerance scale (masochist to wimpy)?
  • What types of emotional experiences do you want from BDSM? Sensual/Erotic or Emotionally Sadistic or a mix of both
  • Do you have specific scenarios/fantasies you crave to live out? (Role-play – Naughty Schoolgirl/Sexy Secretary, threesomes (MMF/FFM), Gangbangs, Abduction/Rape, Home Invader/Rape, etc.)
  • What are the fetishes you are interested in exploring now? (Make an online list that can be easily updated over time that links to your sub profile using FetlifeFetishes” tab – under the “more” banner at the top)
  • What are the fetishes you may be interested in exploring in the future? (make a list using Fetlife “Fetishes” tab)
  • What are your hard limits (anal, Gangbangs, humiliation, sensory deprivation, blood/needles, choking, severe pain, pee, scat, animals, knife play, medical play etc.) – make a list or post it as part of your profile
  • What personality and physical traits are you looking for in a Dom? (Self-confident, Domineering/Controlling, Inspires trust and confidence, Integrity/Truthfulness, Mentoring/Educating, Intelligence, Muscular, Tattoos, Piercings, etc.)
  • How important is his prior experience in your fetishes of interest?
  • How much experience do you want a Dom to have? Novice, two, five, ten, twenty years?
  • How was he trained as a Dom? (Online, Under a Master, Experience)
  • Is Aftercare important to you and do you need a Dom who offers aftercare? What kind of Aftercare do you want/need and don’t want? )
  • Do you want to be his only sub (exclusive) or are you open to be trained with other subs (polyamory)?
  • Would you consider a Married Dom if you are single and unattached?
  • Do you want to check his references (i.e. past subs)?
  • Do you want to try a few trial play sessions before making a decision about committing to become his sub?
  • Would you be willing to relocate or have a long-distance relationship for the right Dom ?

This is by no means an exhaustive list of things to consider when selecting an appropriate Dom but it should be a decent start.

I hope this helps give you a few ideas and this helps you find a Dom who is a good fit for you.

Please comment or “Like” or “Share” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email alerts or twitter.


13 comments on “Homework for Subs

  1. This is a very good start. I am a novice sub looking for a dom and I am doing as much homework as possible. I would have never thought of some of these questions, so I am very happy to have come across your blog. I am really enjoying your articles thus far. Thank you so much.


  2. Hmm I’m not sure why I didn’t think of choosing a Dom for myself. Possibly because my Dom came to me? Choosing a Dom on my terms sounds so much more comfortable. And when u put it the way you do, casual violates one of my moral standards I’m not totally comfortable with that. I thought it was what I wanted but I find myself second guessing I enjoy what we do immensely but I don’t like the cold distance afterward and when we are apart. There is aftercare but I need more and I’m trying to push that part of me out. It’s not totally cold don’t get me wrong but there truly is no relationship beyond D/s sex. Can you teach someone who is not a dominate to be your partner seems that that would ruin the dynamics of a D/s relationship?


  3. I’ve been very fortunate in the fact that I received an approach online via a site I had only recently joined.

    After a brief intro, my now Master, sent me a scenario, he could not have chosen a better one to win me over if he’d known me for years.

    We spoke via a messaging app for some time, discussing much of what you mention in your post, especially as this is my first time and be is experienced enough to be given the title of ‘Master’. We subsequently met for the first time at a hotel, a nice neutral space.

    We’re not in a typical relationship, although both single, neither of is looking for more, but at the same time, I’ve never felt so loved and appreciated as I do now, and I recently turned 40 so there have been boyfriends, girlfriends, and fiancés aplenty over the years.

    We meet in person around once a month, we both work long hours in professional roles and have other commitments. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t miss him terribly in between those times, but not a day goes by when we don’t exchange messages – and he’s good, nudged me into subspace that way on more than one occasion.


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