Doms vs Female Abusers: Spotting Posers and Predators…
There seems to be some widespread misconceptions or confusion about the true nature of the relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. I am writing this article so novice subs have a way of discerning the potentially dangerous, abusive posers from the legitimate Doms so they can hopefully avoid any scary experiences or injury, especially when first experimenting in BDSM.
Based on several disturbing emails I have received from various women on FetLife.com and CollarMe.com, there seems to be many, many men online who call themselves “Doms” but really they are only misogynist who want to physically/emotionally abuse women and then sexually use them in the name of “BDSM or Domination”. This is NOT the nature of most Dom/sub relationships AT ALL.
There is a huge difference between domineering (controlling/bullying) and dominant (self-confident) personalities. In fact, controlling, manipulating, bullying personalities are the opposite of self-confident personalities. A dominant personality should make you feel at ease with their calm leadership, knowledge and their interest in your needs whereas a bullying/manipulating personality will likely make you feel slightly uncomfortable with their pressure tactics about meeting their own needs and demands. Dominants are NOT angry women haters but domineering, controlling bullies are! So, listen and trust the little voice inside your head.
Immense trust is the foundation of most D/s relationships. A Dom/sub relationship requires much more trust than any vanilla sexual relationship because a woman is putting her physical/mental safety in the hands of a man. Hence the emotional intimacy of a D/s relationship is usually much deeper and more intense as well. A Dom cherishes and loves his sub for “Her Gift” of submission. Through great faith and trust in a Dom, a submissive gives over full control of her body and mind to her Dom. A Dom does not seize or coerce that submission. It is a decision of free will that a sub chooses who she will hand over control for a period of time (play session or evening). After that time period is over, you both revert back to roles of equals.
The role of a Dom is somewhat like a sexual personal trainer who can take you to a place you cannot reach by yourself by pushing you beyond your personal limits safely. A Dom takes the time to build that trust and rapport with a sub by understanding her sexual interests, past experiences, fears/concerns, kinks/fetishes and limits. There are actual fetish checklists available online that some Doms use to make a written record for themselves of a sub’s likes/dislikes, interests, limits and future interests as a starting point for training, like a personal trainer would make notes of your physical fitness benchmarks and goals. Before any play session starts, a good Dom will establish a unique “safe word” to ensure a sub’s safety during a session – a safe word is a word or phrase that uniquely expresses a sub’s need for a Dom to slow down. Then a Dom takes great care to ensure her physical and emotional safety during a session while still pushing her limits and attempting to blow her mind. And afterwards, he shows her a great deal of appreciation and affection for her immense trust and for her gift of submission through sensual “aftercare” to soothe her body and mind (For example: cleaning her body with a warm towel, a soothing bubble bath, washing her hair or a warm oil massage).
If a Dom demands you to call him Sir or Master at a first meeting, he may be a poser (or very formal, very rigid or self-important)! The first meeting should be a meeting of equals who are trying to determine if there is a common foundation of interest, fit and chemistry to pursue a potential D/s relationship – No sex or BDSM play is involved. ONLY after a sub has chosen to give herself to a Dom must she refer to him as Sir or Master. First meetings should ALWAYS be in a public location and most commonly, no D/s play or sex is involved and no personal information is exchanged. It is purely an initial screening meeting to assess mutual compatibility. If he says at your first meeting, “I am your Master now, you are My sex slave. You must fuck me now”, get up and leave! He is a fake and an idiot.
If a Dom does NOT discuss your past BDSM experiences, limits, concerns or safe words, he is likely a poser. One of the most important aspects of being a Dom is ensuring a sub’s emotional and physical safety during a session. If he is not discussing your limits, he is not concerned with your safety!
If a Dom demands you do sexual acts which are either dangerous to your health (i.e. unprotected sex with strangers) or against your will (i.e. rape/assault), he is likely a poser and/or sexual criminal. All BDSM play should be safe, sane and consensual with predefined limits. Always listen to the voice in your head about people, it is trying to keep you safe and alive.
If a Dom says there are an extensive set of rules that you must ALWAYS obey (i.e. at work, at home alone, etc.), he is potentially a poser or just a Dom looking for a 24/7 slave. For MOST people, BDSM is an escape from their every day lives and from vanilla sex. For a newbie, it is NOT usually a 24/7 lifestyle choice… The role of a submissive is most-often a temporary state a woman chooses to take on for a play session or an evening or set time period. After that period is over, you revert to roles of equals. However, there are many women who develop deep emotional connections and great emotional satisfaction from serving their Doms over a long period of time together who ask their Doms to be “owned” who then become permanent submissives or “slaves”. You need to first define what your limits are and decide if his rules meet your lifestyle needs.
An experienced Dom will also have references of the subs he has trained in the past. Ask for the contact information of a few of his former subs. References are an important way of determining if there is a good fit for you with this Dom based on the kind of sessions he has conducted with his former subs and how he made his subs feel about their experience. Validation of a Dom by other subs is critical ensuring your own safety. Of course, this can be complicated if a Dom only plays within relationships so asking to talk to an ex is problematic.
Leading up to the first meeting or during your first meeting, if there are little logical inconsistencies in his story about his situation, his past, his experiences as a Dom or his behaviour that makes you slightly uneasy but you cannot put your finger on some specific issue, then listen to that voice. A Dom should make you feel calm and at ease, not nervous and uptight. For example: Asking you to send nude photos before you initially meet but you already have facial photos or photos that show your body/build posted on your profile page. There is no actual need for a local Dom to have a nude photo of you before you are his sub. If there are alarm bells going off in your head, DO NOT IGNORE THEM… The voice in your head represents thousands of years of evolutionary instincts trying to keep you safe and alive. It is ALWAYS right. ALWAYS listen to it! Politely excuse yourself to the washroom, then quietly head to the door and don’t look back!
Preparing for Your First Face to Face Meeting:
Whenever meeting a new Dom from online (i.e. a complete stranger) for the first session in a private location, you must take some simple precautions to ensure your personal safety;
- Always tell someone where/who you are meeting and provide their contact information (name and profile name, address, mobile number, email address).
- Arrange a safety call at a prearranged time during a session and use a codeword in case there is a problem requiring assistance but you cannot say anything with him present.
English as a language can be an imprecise tool sometimes. My article is not intending to say there is ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY to live this BDSM lifestyle. Obviously there are many variations in how all D/s relationships function and it would be impossible to cover the full range of variations in this article. As a result, I have provided a generalized understanding of how a D/s relationship would function.The main purpose of my article is to merely try to provide the inexperienced submissive a few warning signs to be cautious of in their early encounters to keep them safe.
Hopefully, you now have a few ways to discern the difference between a Dom and the potential women abusers… I hope this helps. Be safe out there…
Please comment or “Like” or “Share” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email alerts or twitter.
- Homework for Novice Submissives: Choosing the Right Dominant for Yourself (dominantsoul.wordpress.com)