Doms vs. Female Abusers: Spotting Predators

Doms vs Female Abusers: Spotting Posers and Predators…

There seems to be some widespread misconceptions or confusion about the true nature of the relationship between a Dominant and a submissive. I am writing this article so novice subs have a way of discerning the potentially dangerous, abusive posers from the legitimate Doms so they can hopefully avoid any scary experiences or injury, especially when first experimenting in BDSM.

Dominant or Predator?

Dominant or Predator?

Based on several disturbing emails I have received from various women on and, there seems to be many, many men online who call themselves “Doms” but really they are only misogynist who want to physically/emotionally abuse women and then sexually use them in the name of “BDSM or Domination”. This is NOT the nature of most Dom/sub relationships AT ALL.

There is a huge difference between domineering (controlling/bullying) and dominant (self-confident) personalities. In fact, controlling, manipulating, bullying personalities are the opposite of self-confident personalities. A dominant personality should make you feel at ease with their calm leadership, knowledge and their interest in your needs whereas a bullying/manipulating personality will likely make you feel slightly uncomfortable with their pressure tactics about meeting their own needs and demands. Dominants are NOT angry women haters but domineering, controlling bullies are! So, listen and trust the little voice inside your head.

Immense trust is the foundation of most D/s relationships. A Dom/sub relationship requires much more trust than any vanilla sexual relationship because a woman is putting her physical/mental safety in the hands of a man. Hence the emotional intimacy of a D/s relationship is usually much deeper and more intense as well. A Dom cherishes and loves his sub for “Her Gift” of submission. Through great faith and trust in a Dom, a submissive gives over full control of her body and mind to her Dom. A Dom does not seize or coerce that submission. It is a decision of free will that a sub chooses who she will hand over control for a period of time (play session or evening). After that time period is over, you both revert back to roles of equals.

The role of a Dom is somewhat like a sexual personal trainer who can take you to a place you cannot reach by yourself by pushing you beyond your personal limits safely. A Dom takes the time to build that trust and rapport with a sub by understanding her sexual interests, past experiences, fears/concerns, kinks/fetishes and limits. There are actual fetish checklists available online that some Doms use to make a written record for themselves of a sub’s likes/dislikes, interests, limits and future interests as a starting point for training, like a personal trainer would make notes of your physical fitness benchmarks and goals. Before any play session starts, a good Dom will establish a unique “safe word” to ensure a sub’s safety during a session – a safe word is a word or phrase that uniquely expresses a sub’s need for a Dom to slow down. Then a Dom takes great care to ensure her physical and emotional safety during a session while still pushing her limits and attempting to blow her mind. And afterwards, he shows her a great deal of appreciation and affection for her immense trust and for her gift of submission through sensual “aftercare” to soothe her body and mind (For example: cleaning her body with a warm towel, a soothing bubble bath, washing her hair or a warm oil massage).

HINT #1:

If a Dom demands you to call him Sir or Master at a first meeting, he may be a poser (or very formal, very rigid or self-important)! The first meeting should be a meeting of equals who are trying to determine if there is a common foundation of interest, fit and chemistry to pursue a potential D/s relationship – No sex or BDSM play is involved. ONLY after a sub has chosen to give herself to a Dom must she refer to him as Sir or Master. First meetings should ALWAYS be in a public location and most commonly, no D/s play or sex is involved and no personal information is exchanged. It is purely an initial screening meeting to assess mutual compatibility. If he says at your first meeting, “I am your Master now, you are My sex slave. You must fuck me now”, get up and leave! He is a fake and an idiot.

HINT #2:

If a Dom does NOT discuss your past BDSM experiences, limits, concerns or safe words, he is likely a poser. One of the most important aspects of being a Dom is ensuring a sub’s emotional and physical safety during a session. If he is not discussing your limits, he is not concerned with your safety!

HINT #3:

If a Dom demands you do sexual acts which are either dangerous to your health (i.e. unprotected sex with strangers) or against your will (i.e. rape/assault), he is likely a poser and/or sexual criminal. All BDSM play should be safe, sane and consensual with predefined limits. Always listen to the voice in your head about people, it is trying to keep you safe and alive.

Hint #4:

If a Dom says there are an extensive set of rules that you must ALWAYS obey (i.e. at work, at home alone, etc.), he is potentially a poser or just a Dom looking for a 24/7 slave. For MOST people, BDSM is an escape from their every day lives and from vanilla sex. For a newbie, it is NOT usually a 24/7 lifestyle choice… The role of a submissive is most-often a temporary state a woman chooses to take on for a play session or an evening or set time period. After that period is over, you revert to roles of equals. However, there are many women who develop deep emotional connections and great emotional satisfaction from serving their Doms over a long period of time together who ask their Doms to be “owned” who then become permanent submissives or “slaves”. You need to first define what your limits are and decide if his rules meet your lifestyle needs.

Hint #5:

An experienced Dom will also have references of the subs he has trained in the past. Ask for the contact information of a few of his former subs. References are an important way of determining if there is a good fit for you with this Dom based on the kind of sessions he has conducted with his former subs and how he made his subs feel about their experience. Validation of a Dom by other subs is critical ensuring your own safety. Of course, this can be complicated if a Dom only plays within relationships so asking to talk to an ex is problematic.

Hint #6:

Leading up to the first meeting or during your first meeting, if there are little logical inconsistencies in his story about his situation, his past, his experiences as a Dom or his behaviour that makes you slightly uneasy but you cannot put your finger on some specific issue, then listen to that voice. A Dom should make you feel calm and at ease, not nervous and uptight. For example: Asking you to send nude photos before you initially meet but you already have facial photos or photos that show your body/build posted on your profile page. There is no actual need for a local Dom to have a nude photo of you before you are his sub. If there are alarm bells going off in your head, DO NOT IGNORE THEM… The voice in your head represents thousands of years of evolutionary instincts trying to keep you safe and alive. It is ALWAYS right. ALWAYS listen to it! Politely excuse yourself to the washroom, then quietly head to the door and don’t look back!

Preparing for Your First Face to Face Meeting:

Whenever meeting a new Dom from online (i.e. a complete stranger) for the first session in a private location, you must take some simple precautions to ensure your personal safety;

  • Always tell someone where/who you are meeting and provide their contact information (name and profile name, address, mobile number, email address).
  • Arrange a safety call at a prearranged time during a session and use a codeword in case there is a problem requiring assistance but you cannot say anything with him present.

English as a language can be an imprecise tool sometimes. My article is not intending to say there is ONLY ONE RIGHT WAY to live this BDSM lifestyle. Obviously there are many variations in how all D/s relationships function and it would be impossible to cover the full range of variations in this article. As a result, I have provided a generalized understanding of how a D/s relationship would function.The main purpose of my article is to merely try to provide the inexperienced submissive a few warning signs to be cautious of in their early encounters to keep them safe.

Hopefully, you now have a few ways to discern the difference between a Dom and the potential women abusers… I hope this helps. Be safe out there…

Please comment or “Like” or “Share” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email alerts or twitter.


25 comments on “Doms vs. Female Abusers: Spotting Predators

  1. Pingback: Spotting Predators | The Notion and Conjectures of One person

  2. Pingback: Spotting Predators | Dreaming of a Fantasy

  3. I really enjoyed this article as I am new to the lifestyle. It has been something I have thought about always and have finally decided to explore. It is good to know who is real and someone who is a predator. Thank you for your wisdom and incite.


  4. This is very helpful. I’ve been interested in BDSM for quite a while
    But for reasons you wrote down here I never dared to be a submissive woman.
    This information will hopefully make my quest for the perfect dom safer and more well considered.


    • Aphrodite,

      I am glad you found this useful. I wrote this blog to ensure women could enter this world of BDSM safely and not be victimized. I am pleased you found this specific article helpful.



  5. Alot of this, frankly, is BS. I can’t imagine having my subs call my exes, and I give her the gift of discipline more than she gives me the gift of submission!


  6. I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I was in a 2 year relationship with someone who claimed to be a Dom, but was, in all actuality, an abuser.

    Aside from some of the things you mentioned, I’d add:
    belittling your goals/dreams in life, excessively criticizing certain things he knows you’re extremely sensitive about, attempting to drive a wedge between you and close family/friends. I suppose these are more warning signs after the relationship has gotten underway, as opposed to early warning signs, but I still feel they’re relevant.

    It’ll be a long time before I give that side of myself over to someone else. As the saying goes, once bitten, twice shy.


    • my DOM has one thing he does on your list ‘trickytiff’ he has driven all friends and family away.
      I’m worried things will only get worse.
      I have been with my DOM for 5 years this august and only the last 2 years has he really slipped up and it has made me think back to the beginning and I’ve noticed all the signs I just let go over my head or I never understood.
      this is my first D/S relationship
      all my other relationships were standard vanilla , but with the abusive, bashing and controlling.
      so when I met my DOM it was like all my dreams come true. he was so confidant, other males change their ways around him. they flock to him and ask for advise.
      woman swoon around him and giggle, flirt and beg for his attention.
      he can sway any conversation his way his mind is so powerful just talking to me would send my body and mind into bliss. it made me feel I would do anything for him just to be in his shadow.

      but now as his personal life has twisted in a bad way, he has stopped being all he claims to be but he orders me to be the submissive/slave he has molded me into.

      I started as a SUB and then my DOM collared me 1 year ago to be more BDs out of the BDSM.
      I was filled will confused feelings as it was not fitting or right timing in our lives.
      that night was when I started doubting my DOM. I punish myself for all bad thoughts about him as I know I have now failed him by posting this.

      it truly hurts and I know I no longer deserve his trust after I send this but our children’s future is more important then my uncertainty and deep love for this man.
      I know I will never give to another man the way I have given to my lover, protector, partner DOM .
      this experience has broken me in ways I thought I could never survive.

      my training was cut short and abrupt ,what went right into BDSM (collared night with group) and to me it was a breaking point and I went into auto piolet just for my children’s sake.
      it has been a daze since then.

      what brings me to ask and let lose on our life is , my DOM told me I was the reason his life has gone bad ! but all I can think is I only did as you asked of me.
      he told me I broke him into loving me, and he started to relax rules and our way of life due to the kids and his love for me. he told me that his last sub of 18 years could not come close in the slightest chance of challenging him. But in my first month I got to him. but he held on for 18 months before he knew he had lost his way, and it was threw my giving. I don’t understand him at all.

      um I am sorry that was extremely long, this feels wrong so I only want to do this once and hopefully I get the answers and my mind can be cleaned of either our life or my disobedient way.

      if I am wrong and I have failed my DOM then I believe a public shaming will be in order or what ever he chooses after I show him what I have posted.

      but if I am right then this will be the last time I post and will move on with my babies to give them a new future.

      thank you all for reading and taking the time to answer if you choose.

      any advise/ help would be very kind and thoughtful



  7. A Dom/sub relationship requires much more trust than any vanilla sexual relationship “because a woman is putting her physical/mental safety in the hands of a man”. Couldn’t possibly be the other way round, I see. Also, it may have escaped your notice, but any relationship requires trust, and your safety is always at stake when you’re entering one. You know, I am almost certain you meant well, but that little poser alarm I have indeed got at the back of my head? Went off after the third paragraph. And I don’t care how many years you say you’ve been doing this. People who have to be TOLD this stuff should consult a psychiatrist, because there obviously is something terribly wrong with their self respect and their perception of the world, and they would likely be abused in a vanilla relationship as well, if they met the wrong partner. A person’s inability to see that nobody has got the right to force them to do antyhing they don’t wish to do is a problem that has nothing to do with BDSM. And you are very wrong in you assupmtions – perhaps not stated, but clearly shown – that women are the only victims of abuse (or that there only are male/female relationships in the world, for that matter).
    (sorry for my nick 😀 I don’t use gmail anymore)


    • Well this answered one of my questions I asked before lol should probably read all your blogs before asking questions lol in regards to the comments dfcvhjkj please inform me what you would say to a submissive woman who is looking for a dominate and not end up in a dangerous situation. Do you explain to her first how not to be an abusive submissive, what curious a way to answer a question directed at submissive women. Typically those who ask how to be safe and avoid abusive relationships aren’t typically abusive themselves. But I may be wrong please feel free to enlighten me I’m always open to a new point of view.


  8. What do you mean by ‘personal information’? I’m always unsure at what point it’s o-kay to share things like, names, phone numbers, etc. Would it be more appropriate that the potential Dom give these things first and the potential submissive have a chance to verify, before deciding to give same? Only because the dominant would be in a position of power.
    Or whether it’s better to discuss topics like limits, over email or in person.
    (By the way, the link at the end of the article is outdated, luckily the author still has the post up:


    • When its time to meet in real it all depends I was with someone for 3 years we meet online. We exchanged info when trust was build. You can verify by showing your Id and fading out the rest and both going on cam talk in conversation. Its a two way street use your gut feeling meditate on things. If two people are going to meet go on cam have adult conversation. If the person does not talk on cam but only shows them self then there is a problem. If someone uses goggle talk do not answer to them. The other thing I have learned even online scammers They will be good to be true they only use one picture not much to say in the profile they are god fearing and they are demanding. When it comes to exchanging photos you can goggle them make them write on piece paper with them holding up the date and their screen name this how both party’s can verify with out show to much upfront. Online scammers use lower case as ( i ) and many ( am ) first of the sentence their many Ghana scammers that catfish people. Scammers like to Dom people so be careful also.


      • As I agree with this Blog. Even when comes to long distance my ex always made me travel to him submissive wants to feel safe if I feel that a Dom should go see her first safe and arrange this and then she can go to him later. Just my experience in the past in long distance travel you also have to be safe knowing where going when you get there that your not being forced. When I was younger I had bad experience guy wanted to meet I flew to him when I got off the plane he wanted to have sex in front of people at the air port I said no he told me well your going home then he did help pay to go back home I found him talking to to other women why he seeing me he had the money he gets off by women traveling to him then sends them home. Some people Just get off on things or fetish really this another matter to be careful look for the red flag. Some men only wanted women for their feet then they are gone.


  9. Pingback: Dominant Soul: Blog recommendation – A life in the shadows

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