How Exclusivity Makes Sex & BDSM Hotter!

In an age of Internet hook-ups, instant gratification, being hyper-connected via social media, tweeting naked photos out to the world and disposable play partners, I believe the art of seduction & intimacy has been lost. I am not sure if it because people fear intimacy these days or the internet offers access to so many new relationships that people are constantly looking for “Relationship Upgrade” with the next person they “Like” or it is the effects of Internet porn on mainstream society.

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Dominant Male Seeks Exclusive Relationship:

I need to confess something deeply personal. I have one of the rarest kinks found on FetLife … I am a Serial Monogamist Dom!

As a single, unattached Dom male I honestly want an exclusive, committed long-term relationship with ONE incredibly special woman: Not a FWB, not a fuckbuddy, not a play partner, not a stable of subs: an actual real exclusive relationship. I want just one woman in my life from whom I get everything I crave emotionally and sexually for the long-term. I want a depth of connection.

I was married for 20 years and i have been divorced for 6 years now. So I fully understand what it is like to be in a committed relationship and I also know who I am as a man and what I want from life and from a partner…

Being The Kinkiest Freak:

In the world of kink & FetLife, I often feel I am the “Freakiest” in the room as a Sensual Dom (when most Doms seem to be Sadists) looking for a long-term relationship (when everyone seems to be looking for play partners). I was recently told that my unusual monogamy fetish makes me quite “freaky” amongst all the Doms of FetLife. ;D How ironic!

To be clear, I am not claiming to be some choir boy. I have sowed my fair share of wild oats. It was a phase of my life when the thrill of new conquests and wild sexual adventures were my focus. I don’t regret that phase in my life because it gave the opportunity to experience the love of many amazing women, to experience different kinds of love and develop my sense of my own sexuality and develop a deep understanding of women, sex, love and relationships. And I don’t feel I missed anything looking back on my life. I feel whole as a result of my experiences and my journey.

Would I return to those of days of numerous hot female partners (i.e. My male slut years)? Never! Meaningless “Genital Aerobics” without any deep emotional connection to a partner left me feeling empty and soul-less with time. I was once told that you leave a small piece of yourself with every sexual partner you have and if you have too many sexual partners, you will feel hollow…

Monogamy: Not For Everyone or All Times

I am not saying everyone should have exclusive relationships. In fact, I believe there are phases in life when having meaningless sex with various partners for a time helps heal emotional wounds. I have watched many friends “fuck their way back to being whole and emotionally available” after an ugly, painful divorce. Unfortunately, some people never quite leave this phase and remain emotionally unavailable for years.

John Stewart of the Daily Show once made the joke “Do you know why Islamic terrorists martyr themselves in suicide bombings? They are promised 72 virgins in heaven… I am not sure about you but after the first 2 or 3 virgins, won’t you really want someone who knows what they are doing in bed?”… It’s a freaking hilarious joke despite being somewhat politically inappropriate, it is true at the core. At this stage in life, you want to have a partner who is open-minded and has fully embraced their sexuality.

I am saying, for some of us, we are wired for exclusivity and commitment. We crave the deep emotional bond and intimacy that comes with being sexually exclusive as a couple. That is not to say that as an exclusive couple you cannot also bring in other people on occasion to try new adventures and new experiences but merely there are no secrets and both parties are involved in the adventures and the focus remains on each others happiness.

The Circle of Energy:

I describe the nature of a relationship between two people as a circle of energy. As the energy flows between the two people exclusively, the energy grows and amplifies to energize both people in the relationship and all aspects of their lives – professionally, personally, emotionally. As people focus on other people or other priorities outside the relationship, the energy of the circle dissipates – sometime temporarily and sometime permanently. And if the relationship becomes dysfunctional, the circle begins to suck the energy from both parties.

As an example, watch different couples who are out for dinner in a restaurant. They say we communicate 80% through non-verbal communications. I often observe younger men stealing glances at other attractive women in the room thinking they are getting away with the passing glance with no implications. However, if you carefully watch the face and body language of their female partner, you can see the energy draining from her entire body. After she has spent hours getting dressed up to look really great for a special dinner just for him, his actions are telling her she is not pretty enough or sexy enough or hot enough for him and he wants to keep his options open. Then watch another couple who is totally engrossed in each other – making constant eye contact, engaged in their conversation, laughing with each other, oblivious to everyone around them. Their energy only seems to grow over the course of the evening. They are both signalling no one else matters except you. Both these examples beautifully illustrate “The Circle of Energy” between couples. For some of us, commitment & exclusivity makes love, life & sex much hotter…

Beautiful Traditions of Love & Affection:

Years ago I worked overseas on an international project. One of my closest friends from work and his new bride worked on the project with me. I noticed that it always took him a very long time to come to the door whenever I picked him up in the morning. So one evening while we were cooking dinner together, I asked her, what takes him so long to come to the door. She confessed they had a secret tradition as a couple: a 3-minute goodbye kiss. Take a moment and time how long a 3-minute kiss actually is. It is freaking long…

She explained to me she didn’t like how most couples superficially pecked each other good bye in the morning and that every morning she wanted something more meaningful – Her 3-minute kiss said I love you, have a great day, I already miss you and hurry home. It was her way of sending him off in to the world and ensuring he would also come back to her.

She later confessed that there was a matching 3-minute welcome home kiss when he got back after work that said – I am so glad you are home, I missed you all day and you are wearing too many clothes…

Isn’t that so beautiful and brilliant! If you have a 3-minute kiss before going to work, there is no way you will ever think of any other woman! To this day I cannot think of a more beautiful and loving tradition for a couple could have to stay connected. What a simple way for keeping the chemistry and sparks flying in any relationship for years to come… I definitely want my 3-minute kiss next time around…

Competitive Giving:

I believe in the “Christmas Spirit of sex and love” – Give generously and without expectations then you will receive many more gifts than you can every imagine in return…

I observe couples who are very successful and happy in their relationships. One common thread I have noticed amongst them all is something I call “competitive giving”. They are selfless in the pursuit of making their partner happy and successful in all aspects of their lives – emotional, profession, financial and sexual. Of course, this requires that both people in the relationship are “givers” who are both putting energy and effort “into” the relationship.

Years ago, I was given a surprise birthday gift of my first FFM 3some by my partner. What surprised me most about this experience was my reaction and my emotions – it was completely different than I imagined. During the whole session I was completely focused on kissing and caressing my partner while her GF performed oral sex then rode me… My focus was not on two women, it was purely on being connected with my partner. I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude and intimacy for her incredible emotional sacrifice to fulfill my sexual fantasy.

Afterwards I asked her what possessed her to arrange the 3some for me. She explained that during her first marriage, she had never cum during sex and I helped her become multi-orgasmic and a squirter. She had never imagined her body could have so many orgasms with a male partner. She actually believe her body could not cum with a man. And when she had told me she was BI-curious, I had suggested she go meet some women from online and explore that side of herself without me involved to see if it was really part of her. She explained that all those actions gave her a safe place to be herself. I gave generously to her emotional and sexual needs without ever asking for something in return. This made her want to give to me in the same generous manner. Competitive giver wanted: Apply within…

Trust & Intimacy:

Trust takes time and consistency of behaviour. If you want to see what a person really thinks, don’t listen to their words, watch their actions. It is the clearest indication of their thoughts, priorities and feelings.

Trust is something that cannot be rushed. Trust takes years to develop and can be wiped out in 2 seconds… With trust and commitment come the ability to be emotionally open, even about your most intimate aspect of yourself.

The more confident a woman feels with her man the more sexually expressive she will be and of course, deeper her submission. A part of domination is about leading her to places she didn’t even know she wanted to go yet.

The Riches of Exclusivity and Commitment:

I believe there is a highly loving and deeply sexual vixen hidden deep inside every woman. The role of any male partner is to give her an emotionally safe place where she can feel at ease to reveal her “Inner Vixen”, without fear of rejection, ridicule, or judgement.

To expose your true self to another person, especially your kinkiest, darkest desires and fantasies, takes an incredible level of trust. The foundation of emotional trust comes from knowing this person is committed to you. Commitment ensures what intimate details you share about yourself is a shared secret held in strictest confidence between the two of you.

Being The Trusted Keeper of Her Darkest Secrets

I am drawn to the persona of an Alpha submissive woman who projects a strong, confident, stylish, intelligent public image but craves to submit to a strong confident Dominant man in private . She has lots of armour and confidence on the outside but remains deeply feminine, fragile and soft on the inside…

As a Sensual Dominant man, I find that contradiction incredibly sexy, deeply erotic and very alluring. Giving her an emotional sanctuary from the outside world would be my deepest honour. Keeping her darkest secrets of who she really is the kind of deep intimacy I crave. The depth of intimacy that comes with being completely emotionally naked with a woman by knowing her deepest secrets, fears, fantasies and dreams is something I crave.

A man of honour and integrity takes those dark intimate secrets to his grave, treats her as a princess in public, defends her honour always and encourages her to achieve all her goals. Then, in return, I get the deliciously naughty vixen who will do anything I desire and wants to give me every fantasy I can imagine…

It is not that complicated…

Please comment or “LIKE” or “SHARE” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment for me. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, send me a friend request.

~DominantSoul

13 comments on “How Exclusivity Makes Sex & BDSM Hotter!

  1. Pingback: Does Monogamy and BDSM work together? | DominantSoul

  2. To me personally this is by far your best piece of all you have written….I enjoy rereading it and reminding myself there are men such as this out there. It is how I found you!

  3. This piece brought tears to my eyes….it’s all I’ve ever wanted and have always been willing to give. My former husband (also of 20 years) never made me feel safe to be the sexual being that I am. The divorce gave me the great blessing of pursuing the 3-minute kiss. Now I am focusing on clearly understanding who I really am as a woman so that I can prepare myself for a relationship such as this.

    • Cynthia,

      I am thrilled this piece moved you so deeply. I thought it was a different point of view than that is usually promoted in the BDSM circles… I am glad it resonated with you…

      DominantSoul

  4. I have been a woman in open relationships for many years, my Daddy Dom is monogamous and always has been.
    I’m trying very hard to be all I can for our relationship, the best submissive and of course monogamous.
    I know the journey ahead will be full of ups and downs but with his guidance sand unwaverering faith in me I know I can get there.
    Your writing moved me and gave me much food for thought,thank you.

  5. This is soooooo true. My dom and I were dating since 8th grade and Junior year we discovered BDSM and we loved it 5 more years have gone by and we have never had an argument or fight…. He’s the ultimate in domination AND relationships! Just to stay close to me he took German and Russian and is know fluent in both just like me! Meine Familia ist aus Deutchland und Russland (My family is from Germany and Russia) so German and Russian culture is who I am.. He learned those languages so our relationship could last longer… So he could covertly dominate me… I LOVE HIM SO MUCH ❤

  6. Dear DS – I am so happy that I found this article because I wanted to hear your comment on whether you prefer a love relationship or just casual encounters.

    One of the things that has surprised me about the bdsm community is that sex with random people almost seems like the norm. I am new to this, but cannot imagine how I could possibly share something so special and personal with many men (or women). Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. Your (even more) devoted fan in Norway

    • I agree… I’m concerned about this as well. I don’t want a number of random people coming in & out of my life; I want one man who’s in touch with his true Self, who will hold my secrets & desires as well as he holds and protects his own.

  7. This article is so wonderfully written… it explains things perfectly! I’m a new sub who craves this type of Dominant man in my life & I pray I can find my Sir one day soon. Here’s hoping he can reach the bar you’ve set deliciously high!! ::shiver::

  8. There is a beautiful balance of love within a D/s relationship.. when you find it.. it breathtaking. The 3 min kiss .. requires no stop watch.. as it never wants to end.. the kiss alone can go on for days. The beauty of sharing all ones deepest desires is just the beginning…

  9. Ahh this was so fulfilling, DominantSoul. I am a serial monogamist (with an alpha personality) in my vanilla/ professional world and since becoming interested in kink, I’m taken back in terms of how I explore submission as I navigate my desire to be monogamist within a community that’s so big on play partners and causal encounters. This filled me so much and makes me long to be patient to give myself and the gift of my complete sexual submission to someone very much like you. 😍
    Thank you for this post! -Chy

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