Sub Motivation: Why Do You Submit?

A submissive is a woman who, of her own free will, give over full control of her body, mind and soul. To be a good Dominant, you need to thoroughly understand the emotional motivations of a submissive. The following list is a aggregation of all the different motivations I have observed by female submissives.

Why do you submit?

Why do you submit?

The Reasons A Submissives Submits:

  1. Mental & Emotional Escape:  Many of my subs are Alpha Females (executive, lawyers, doctors, politicians, Supermoms’) who are highly intelligent, driven, successful, and confident. They generally intimidate most other men. They lead incredibly demanding public lives but they crave to escape to a place where they have no control and they have no decision making requirements in their sex lives.
  2. Being Devoured & Unleashing Dark Passions: Deep inside them, they have craved to just be devoured and consumed by a bold, confident Dominant man without being asked. It is often a deep sexual craving they have for most of their adult lives. Being devoured sexually unleashes passions deep inside them and makes them feel incredibly sexual, highly desired, deeply feminine and incredibly aroused.
  3. Deep Trust & Intimacy: I give my subs a safe emotional/sexual sanctuary. They show me a deeply intimate part of themselves that they have usually never shown any other man, even their former husbands and boyfriends. They know they are emotionally safe to be completely “naked” with me knowing they are unconditionally accepted for their desires, kinks and fantasies. They also know that any desire or fantasy can be realized with me without any judgment, ridicule, criticism or rejection. We share a journey of deep intimacy to places they won’t likely travel to with other men.
  4. Pleasing & Servicing Other’s Needs:  Most subs are pleasers by nature and by their upbringing. There is a deep sense of accomplishment and self-worth that comes from meeting the needs of others for them. Sexually and non-sexually pleasing a Dominant give them a great sense of accomplishment and self-worth.
  5. Danger, Uncertainty & Mindfucks: Part of not having control is also not knowing what will happen next. A sub never can be truly prepared for any session because they have no idea where this journey will take them. Uncertainty and danger, places the mind in a hyper-vigilant state due to our natural Fight-Flight response. By keeping a sub blindfolded and constantly off-balance regarding what will happen next extends that heightened state. It is why contrasting stimuli are so powerful (silence/loud, soft/hard, hot/cold, fast/slow, painful/gentle) to mindfuck a sub. The sexual release when in a heightened state of danger or surprise is significantly more powerful.
  6. He is Your One: This is how an anonymous sub described her submission in a private email to me, “He is my heart divorced from my body. What I do for Him I would not do for any other soul. He often remarks that He has yet to find the thing I will not do for Him. I kneel in supplication because it honors Him. There is no way I can ever repay Him for making me whole. Instead, I give Him all of myself. There is no part that I do not offer to Him. I am not a masochist. I know he enjoys inflicting pain. I give this to Him. My tears are part of my service. I endure, comforted in the knowledge that He would never harm me.”

But then it made me stop and think about the bigger picture… Do I truly understand the whole picture from a various sub’s perspectives? Why do other subs submit? Are there different motivations if you are masochist vs. a sensual sub? Please comment…

Please comment or “LIKE” or “SHARE” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment for me. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email notifications or Twitter.

~DominantSoul

33 comments on “Sub Motivation: Why Do You Submit?”

  1. Pingback: What Is Your Submissive Motivation? | DominantSoul

  2. I’m going to put this stuff out there and I may get skewered for it, but here goes:

    Freedom from Shame: Many subs have been raised with a feeling of shame about our bodies, our sexualities, our desires. Many of us come from abusive childhoods where we were hypersexualized at a young age. Submission allows us to express our sexuality in an environment free of shame because we give up our own responsibility for our sexuality. we give up ownership of ourselves.
    Lack of Boundaries: As children, many submissives are taught that their welfare, their needs, their desires were second to the needs and desires of the dysfunctional and selfish adults in the household. It makes us easy picking for Dominants who recognize that vulnerability in us. Sure, a Dominant treats us better than we are accustomed to being treated, hence the attraction. Is it an ideal supportive, mutually loving relationship?
    Probably not.

    Care to discuss?

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  3. I am an Alpha female. I am an executive in a multi national company and in general life is tough. I am also a bitch and it’s difficult to follow me sometimes. Yes, it is common that I notice that ”glint” in the eye of many males and I exactly know what they are thinking …” were you mine, you would know your place”. But when the debate starts and sometimes confrontations, they usually walk out of the office with bowed heads.
    I am 43, I have lived this life for the past 20 years, I get tired of decision making, of solving problems, of turning wrongs into rights. My family consists of 4 males plus me. I reign over them as well. (boys will always be boys;) )……so, ever so often, I really crave for some male that will put me into place, will forbid me to speak unless spoken to, who will order me around, who will deal me tasks to fulfill.
    I have met such a dom. I must admit it is difficult to supress my feelings, bite my tongue and so control my feelings and thoughts. But it feels SO damn good as well. My body aches three days after every session with him. I purposely use the stairs to the fourth floor everytime, just to remind me how good I felt. I crave for the next time we meet. I might even feel free to say that this lifestyle has taught me self control in everyday life. There were times when would explode and now I know how to control my temper a lot easier.
    However, I must state that I could never be a sub 24/7 or be a sub that will heel every time her dom calls. This lifestyle is my oasis, a place I run to when the going gets tough. A place where I do not think, just feel. Above all, I feel SAFE. I must state that I still have not met anyone who could mind fuck me to the state where I ”lose control” completely. Maybe I haven’t released my soul all the way, I don’t know, but I am happy just letting go when I can.

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  4. I’m definitely a Alpha Female. I own a successful business in a field that’s basically dominated by men who know I am the person in authority. After being in charge all day making decisions I know for me I want that special one that’s confident in himself who I can feel safe relinquishing control to. I haven’t met him yet but I’m sure he’s out there…. This particular writing really gets the brain going and the conversation started

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  5. Why? Being submissive leads me to a greater sence of being awake. This in turn gives me more peace and joy. My inner needs wont be quieted with anything else.

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  6. For me it’s similar to #2 “Being Devoured & Unleashing Dark Passions”, as well as others. I’ve been mostly over-looked in the relationship world so I think this sort of fills in what I feel is missing. I look for an intense, secure and trusting relationship where anything is possible. Any idea or thought can be safely expressed by either of us. It can be acted out either in fantasy or in reality.

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  7. I’m not even really sure if I count, being a virgin, but D/s (and bondage and soft punishment) has always fascinated me. I’m a submissive (as far as I can tell from my limited research and what resonated when I read about it) and would probably suck horribly at Dom stuff. The submissive role appeals to me on a level I coundn’t explain if I wrote a whole novel, but I can point out probable factors in my personal life. I’m naturally submissive for one thing. I follow whatever rules my authority gives me, with very rare exceptions, and I don’t really complain or think twice about it. I’m not a doormat, but I’m not a type-A personality, either. Not without a lot of effort. I am also a very conservative Christian, which a double-edged sword in D/s. On the one hand, a wife submits to her husband. On the other hand, D/s is super taboo in the Christian community. It fascinates me and to tell the truth, I’m on this site searching for pointers for whenever I end up getting married. (For those of you who are wondering why a conservative Christian virgin female is on this site.)

    More specific (Warning: personal) reasons/motives for submissive fixation:

    Darker possible factors first…
    1) I have had bizarre dreams/nightmares about rape or sexual torture since I was very young. Like, I remember freaking out and screaming in utter terror when my own family tickled me because I’d dreamed a stranger had tied me upside down and naked to a Tickling Machine. At FOUR. Tickle-torture is something I can’t tolerate to this day, but bondage turns me on. There’s no reason for this fear, I was never molested or abused, I had a great childhood. ..but I have this pathological fear of tickling.
    2) That said, my first sleepover was at a pedophile’s house. He never touched me or my sister, but he molested our younger friend, who was 4 at the time. I was 7, and the oldest. So I was responsible for all of us, and it was up to me to cajole permission from the adults to hang out with Lamar. I always felt responsible for what happened to my younger friend because I was the one to condition her and all the adults to trusting that jerk with all of us alone. She went over to his house without me and my sister, and thank God he died in jail. I was lucky. Since then, it seems I keep meeting people who have been molested or assaulted and it was a situation where it could’ve been me. Acting out a fear like that in a totally safe, consentual situation seems like a logical way to cope with misled guilt or a way to stop feeling like I’m cheating fate/statistics.

    3) (Here’s where it stops being dark psychoanalysis!) “Beware of the quiet ones”. Normally, this is used for dominatrices, but, being a quiet little bookworm seems to socially predestine people for a kink. Even if you didn’t think about that, when someone says it or especially if lots of people say it, you’ll generally get curious, and sometimes you’ll conform. At least, that’s more or less what happened in my case. I heard it all the freaking time, and researched why people would say that, and what all that entailed, and soon enough I developed that “dark side” they all seemed to think I have. Then again, returning to the tickle machine dreams, maybe they had a point in the first place. We’ll never know.
    4) Fruit of the Tree. Yeah, I did just use religious metaphor, and for good reason! D/s, bondage, and punishment, even soft punishment, is strictly taboo in most churches. They don’t talk about sex, they talk about purity. Abstinence. Waiting for your husband and submitting to him. Particularly radical denominations will advise you to please him sexually. They never tell you how, which ways or positions are acceptable between a man and wife. Okay, case and point: I came home from middle school very (naively) confused. I understood how periods worked, I had a basic understanding of how exactly babies are made BEFORE the stork comes in, but the girl at lunch was talking about oral sex. As a budding linguist, I understood this had to do with the mouth, and somehow, hot dogs were involved…but the rest was hazy. So I asked mom. She explained it as religiously as possible, but didn’t give any indication of if it was right or wrong. So I asked if she and dad….yeah, she smacked me. Dad later told me all sex is okay between a man and his wife.
    So now all sex is acceptable, and that gave me something to work with in “submit to your husband, please your husband” part. BUT porn is evil, and looking up sexual techniques is sinful, and. ..how exactly am I supposed to please my hypothetical husband if I know nothing and he (presumably from the same pure, virginal background) knows nothing, so he can’t provide any demands to submit to? Hopefully, God will forgive me my preparation. I researched, I found D/s, bondage and soft punishment, and I liked them. Probably because they’re taboo, and yet I have it on good authority that anything is okay as long as I do it with my husband…whenever I find him.
    5) Vulnerability/trust: these things (I have been told) are the reasons why purity until marriage, fidelity until death are so essential in marriage. And I can see why. I’m a modest person. Very shy, very introverted (little though you may believe that, reading this.). I was with a guy 4 years before I let him see my naked body (scandalous, I know!) because I could trust him not to have sex with me. There’s something very intimate and beautiful about sleeping naked in a man’s arms and having to trust him not to take advantage. About knowing he could have you at any moment, but he has control not only over you, but also himself. And knowing you’re giving him exactly what he wants, and if he woke you up in the middle of the night wanting more, you’d probably give him that too.
    6) Which brings me to my final point (Finally! All the patient readers say), which is that I’m a pleaser. All the other points lead up to this. I measure my own worth by how I can please someone else. I measure my intelligence by my grades, my humor on how many people laughed, my cooking (horrible) on how many people got seconds (rare). I gauge my potential in bed on if the other person enjoyed the heavy petting as much as I did. The most honest means of measuring this is his erection. Sadly, when I very sinfully experimented in hand jobs with the one guy from #5, I had no success and cried for hours. Not because I was trying to manipulate him, but because my invariable failure to arouse him that way equaled my personal failure in all aspects of the bedroom. With any male. I realize my statistics there are limited and faulty, my point is that the idea that I couldn’t please a man sexually reduced me to tears. My greatest fear when I do lose my virginity isn’t the pain (though I’ve been told it will hurt a lot since I’m small), it isn’t that I won’t like it. ..my greatest fear is that he won’t like it, and I very desperately want him to like it. Clearly, I’m a submissive.

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    • We all learn about sex through experience throughout life. My knowledge and abilities sexually have grown a quantum since my twenties.

      You only get better by learning what your partner likes and everyone is unique. Experience breeds confidence.

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    • I’m so glad you posted this! I am not a conservative Christian but did grow up in a Christian church. Nor am I a natural submissive. After thinking I was somehow defective I found this sight and the description of a female Alpha sub really resonated with me. The major thing we have in common is that I too am a virgin and believe that BDSM is part of what I’d need in a relationship. I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I believe, aside from my Christian upbringing still sending phantom whispers in my ear, that having such a strong will and a strong desire to be in control in most things coupled with the belief that giving my body to a man IS a huge submission and that this man would have to match or surpass me in strength, is partly why I’m still a virgin. I haven’t found that person who I believe is worthy of MY submission. However, I’m hopeful he’s out there. God I hope so.

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  8. This is a repost I wrote about 2 months ago from a subgroup on fetlife called, “being treated like a beautiful princess but fucked like a dirty whore.

    This described what most of us seek out at least myself. I’ve read most of the posts and agree with many. The desire to submit is so strong. If treated well it grows stronger. When my Sir wants anything from me he gets it. We try everything. In turn without asking most of the time he treats me better than i could ever have imagined. So far I am more comfortable in giving, than receiving but he is working with me on accepting his generosity. He presents his caring in a way that I’ve never known. He offers solutions to problems, advice, money, listening, great great great sex play often, so often. To feel so secure just opens up more desire to do what ever he wants. My body is his to use, we are working on the mind, he is working on getting deeper into my mind. I did read the one post about his voice(her mans) so powerful in her head. This too blows me away. I explode with the sex talk in my ear, gentle to firm that expresses his control, his need, confirming how i please him by giving into what he wants, how and when. Be still my heart the combination of mind control while the physical taking. BAM you got me, you got me mmmmmmmm Sir you got me, with no limits for your pleasure.

    I wasn’t sure if here or in Dirty talk was the better place to post this.

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  9. The only time I’ve ever submitted to my dom is when He made me send Him an inappropriate pic and at our next meet up He grabbed my wrists and held them above my head and said “Mel, you’ve been a very bad girl and you need to be punished.”My dog-like thoughts kicked in and I put my head down and said “yes sir” and the night went on and He did the denying orgasm thing and actually I had to beg Him to release me. Is it normal for a dom to make His sub beg like a dog for release?

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  10. I had a dream: a male figure with his left hand was holding me behind my back, at shoulder blades leve, and another hand was lying on my chest in a way that two fingers were pressing on my jugular notch (this beautiful indentation on your neck). That was the switch. The sweetest sensation I’ve ever had. Totally paralyzed, whole body filled with honey.
    When I woke up I knew something changed, I googled and found your blog. Now I know who I am. Thank you.
    P.S. The switch works while I’m awake

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  11. you can ask my Dom im a bossy take-charge kind of girl normally but i choose to submit because im not truely comfortably making decisions. Since i became a submissive ive actually developed more self confidence and my fiance and i have never been closer

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  12. I’d say for me, it’s the attention to me and only me. Before you think I’m only into receiving, let me explain.
    Any acts in BDSM require one to pay close attention to one’s partner, constant communication be it verbal, eye contact or as subtle as how one is breathing. That gentle touch when I’m tied up and blindfolded to let me know that he is there makes me melt. A hard bite on my ass to grab my attention AND claim it calms me.
    All of this is about intimacy and trust, certainly but it also lets me take a breath and know that the control I have now is in that give and take. He needs ME specifically to service and please him and while he values my intellect and love, he wants, maybe needs, my worship.
    That has been what I’ve missed about BDSM and why I’ve returned.

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  13. Based only on the little experience I have had, I submit for many of the reasons you’ve listed. And one other not listed. The challenge of it. It’s a way of challenging myself both physically and mentally. How much can I submit? How willingly am I to submit? How much punishment can I take without breaking? Is his will to break me stronger than my will to remain unbroken? A bit hard to explain, this. It’s a kind of mental game I play in my head.

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  14. My husband/Dom admits to me that i humble Him and please Him in many ways. However, throughout the course of our 10 year marriage and 2 years in the lifestyle, He thinks and comments to me frequently that i must be searching for something….that it seems to be in His mind that i am not meant to be with one person. I was a Submissive long before i knew about the BDSM lifestyle. I have always been a people pleaser, putting everyones needs ahead of my own…always. He is learning to become more and more Dominant with me….but i fear it may be in the wrong direction that i may be wanting to move into. Im not sure if i am overthinking this…or if i may not be thinking in the right mindset. I need some advice on how to possibly make this better for myself and Sir. Thanks in advance.
    SassyBlueEyedSub

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      • The way He is wanting to be more Dominant is more on the sexual level. He thinks that we may have jumped into the lifestyle too fast (literally head first). We have gone from one extreme to the other. From only Him and i to playing and experimenting with other “so called Doms.” I have been looking for other Doms, with His permission of course, to help keep me in the mental state of Submission. We have had a lot of negative things happen in the past 2 years that He has put me in charge of to deal with. I have found this very overwhelming. Along with the other so called Doms…i have been getting very mind fucked mentally (and more emotionally damaged than i began) trying to find the release of my bonds sort to speak. To escape from the mental strains and overwhelming feelings of dealing with it all. Sir getting more dominant is a good thing i understand, but it has only been sexual to release me from my being overwhelmed and anxious. Is there anything he can do to help me work on the mental aspects of the submission mentality, as i find my mind likes to wander elsewhere while He is at work?
        Thanks
        Sassy

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        • That’s interesting. You feel he has become more sexually assertive or dominant where as I see him being less of a Dom because he is put burdens on you and not protecting your body, mind and soul from these of Doms that are fucking you.

          In the end, you need to talk to him about what you need to change in your relationship to be happy.

          Dominantsoul

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  15. There is a burden that comes from intellect and a heightened sense of emotional and situational awareness. The mind is never free.
    I am always engaged, processing, feeling, doing, being……
    One easily assumes it’s out of that burden of thought that submission might be born and perhaps there is truth in that; but perhaps it is just simply who I am.
    I care deeply. I feel deeply. I question everything and I crave a challenge. I see things others miss but at the core I love without reservation. It’s all of those things combined that form the why.
    Every sexual fantasy always has been based in BDSM but I’ve never taken sexual submission as a game to play for the sake of release.
    For me submission is how I view the world and my place in it. Sexually I have only explored BDSM with one despite years of self training. Being one that serves and nurtures others freely is viewed as a paradox to the expression of my mind, the questions I ask, the way I expect those in my circle to always be growing emotionally. It lends to most viewing me as dominant and impacts how they choose to interact with me. Life is full of irony they say.
    If I sought this as an escape, I would seek out a Dom to scene with. If I was looking for approval I would have bought into the agendas of unhealthy men in my past.
    I submit because it is me. I see how others feel and the needs that are so often unexpressed and left unmet. I submit because I can carry the mental load. I submit out of my expression of love.

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  16. Another interesting article… For me submitting switches my brain off, while stimulating it in a much more exciting way. It makes me a body. It connects me to my body. It has greatly improved my physical health for that very reason… Plus, I’m a pleaser at heart… Now I should stop commenting every article I stumble upon! NIce website!

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