The Hierarchy of Female Emotional Needs: Unleashing Your “Inner Vixen”

“When she’s abandoned her moral center and teachings…when she’s cast aside her facade of propriety and lady-like demeanor…when I have so corrupted this fragile thing and brought out a writhing, mewling, bucking, wanton whore for my enjoyment and pleasure…..enticing from within this feral lioness…growling and scratching and biting…taking everything I dish out to her…..at that moment she is never more beautiful to me.” ~ Marquis De Sade

This quote by the Marquis De Sade truly describes what I have always craved to achieve with a loving, long-term relationship with female partner. The question most men struggle to understand is, “How do I achieve this kind of relationship with a woman? I know what I want but how do I get there?”

In line with Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Model, I have a theory there is a emotional hierarchy of needs for most women to be able to be sexually uninhibited with a man in a relationship. The basic idea is no woman wants to be a ostracized as a “slut” or “nympho” for her sexual appetite/desires or to be rejected by someone who they love for her sexual appetite, desires, fetishes or fantasies . So women have learned to hide their true sexuality away from friends, family, society and from their partners. At the time, they have within them a highly sexual being they crave to express within the safety of a loving and emotionally safe long-term relationship.

The Hierarchy of Female Emotional Needs:
Starting from Level 1 of the model, each emotional need has to be fulfilled to a degree before the relationship advances to the next higher level. I believe that if men took the time to fulfill all the emotional needs of a female partner, they would be rewarded with uninhibited and meaningful sexual expression by their female partner based on deep intimacy, trust and commitment.

The Recipe for Intimacy

The Recipe for Intimacy

8 – Uninhibited Sexual Expression: Feeling secure to be wildly sexual, uninhibited and sexually adventurous

7 – Sexual Acceptance and Emotional Safety: Feeling emotionally secure to fully disclose your most intimate or dark desires to your partner without any fear of negative fall-out (rejection, social ridicule, moral outrage, relationship breakup)

6 – Feeling Sexy, Beautiful & Desired: Feeling desired as sexual being by your partner (Not a simple feat with kids, work, house to balance as a couple)

5 – Appreciation, Respect & Thoughtfulness: Feeling appreciated for all that you do as a life-partner for your lover (Helping with chores, Making your partner’s life easier during busy day-to-day life)

4 – Emotional Bonding: Feeling a deep emotional attachment to your partner and interest to build a life together (The Co-habitation, with Commitment requirements)

3 – Trust & Safety: Feeling safe (physically, emotionally, financially) in the care of your partner (Dating Phase)

2 – Mutual Chemistry: Feeling a mutual attraction and mutual emotional sparks (Chemistry during kissing is the key test)

1 – Physical Attraction: Basic sexual attraction is the foundation

NOTE: This model is not fully applicable to sexual flings/thrill seeking; fuck buddies or friends with benefits relationships because the motivations, emotions and behaviors are significantly different than in a committed relationship. This model is focused specifically on understanding committed long-term relationships because it is the most complex case.

It has been said, “If you want to get your wife in the mood for sex, do the dishes”… One of the major reasons couples don’t have much sex after they have kids is they are physically exhausted from life. This makes sense since most marriage/relationship break down at level 5 when the couple becomes emotionally disconnected with each other…

I am curious, what do you think of this idea/concept. Does this idea make sense based on your own experience as a man or how you feel as a woman?

Please comment “Like” or “Share” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, follow me on WordPress or Twitter.

~DominantSoul

19 comments on “The Hierarchy of Female Emotional Needs: Unleashing Your “Inner Vixen”

  1. Pingback: What’s Stops You From Expressing Your Wildest Sexual Desires? | DominantSoul

  2. I love this! This is incredibly true. I have always known the reason I can’t get my sexuality out of my head and into reality with a love interest is not feeling able to fully relax around them. I don’t feel I can totally be myself and let them see my “dark” side and all entails.
    Also as a larger woman it is hard to get there when you live in the land of plastics and being you isn’t good enough if you’re body isn’t good enough to grace the cover of maxim.
    A woman’s sexuality is tied more to her emotions and comfort level with a man than vice versa. The more you feel cherished and an equal the sex kitten wants out!!

    • I totally get you Blissful! It seems these days it’s all about packaging! I refuse to compete with those plastic chicks we’re better than that.

      I think this article is a great application of Maslow’s Needs and yes most couples stumble when they get to level 5. It takes more than just the idea of romantic love to get through daily life, it takes hard work and sacrifice. The man who does my dishes and helps with laundry in my house is repaid in the bedroom tenfold! LOL

  3. I agree with all of this but particularly for me #6 “Feeling Sexy, Beautiful & Desired: Feeling desired as sexual being by your partner (Not a simple feat with kids, work, house to balance as a couple)” rings true. I never felt pretty or sexy until I met my last Dom. But He was always telling me I was beautiful and hot and that made me feel like I was and I was one happy baby girl. But most men I know don’t seem to know this little secret….it’s really quite simple….treat her like she’s the most desirable, sexy woman he’s ever known and she’ll respond….at least I know I will.

  4. Hmmm, although I agree with most of this “hierarchy of female needs” I believe there is so very much more or different needed for SOME women. There is a more complex woman out there. One whose needs emotional and otherwise cannot be placed in a four walled box befitting of all women. I think the basics to one facet is here and very well put. I am speaking as a woman and looking at this personally as I am sure many woman would be delighted with this 8 point list and completely sated. A fair amount of men are unable or unwilling or even do not have the knowledge to provide the things on the above list and thus this is a refreshing read. I also do believe there is a hierarchy of male needs that should be addressed and met as well. If you have one without the other, well, balance has not been met and one will drift away.

    I have so much more to say but this is not about me specifically, I am just one woman. Perhaps this hierarchy is based on what you personally are willing to provide? What you personally can provide, That in itself shows you to be an enlightened man and one that many women can dream of and men can aspire to..

    My words do not come from a place of disrespect. I hope you understand that.

    • I was going to reply to this post, but this reply stopped me. This is the type of feedback I so dislike. It is what I consider to be passive aggressive commentary. Basically it states “I’m more complicated than this, I need more than the writer expresses, the writer is only concerned with His own abilities to provide needs and has totally missed the mark on my own needs, I can’t be placed in a 4 wall box, I’m more multidimensional than this” But not one time did you actually give an example of another need that may be relevant to this post (and of course there may be quite a few). But you complained without giving examples and then you shrugged that off by stating “I am sure many woman would be delighted with this 8 point list and completely sated” (a passive aggressive method of saying I’m more complex that most other women) ” “I have so much more to say but this is not about me specifically, I am just one woman” (Another passive aggressive line, with absolutely no meat to the content whatsoever)

      “My words do not come from a place of disrespect. I hope you understand that.”(Misdirection….maybe if you apologize for being disrespectful no one in the viewing audience will notice that you are a total narcissist.)

  5. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs with an intro by the Marquis de Sade…Brilliant! I like the way you think…and I also like the fact that you read before you write…intellectually provocative stimulation evoking a connection between the Mind and the Libido…after all…the brain is by far the largest sexual organ (…and yes, size DOES matter…) …is the embodiment of a dialogue between not only Men and Women, but Tops and Bottoms, Subs and Doms, Masters and Slaves, (and all those of us “In search of Cinnamon”) which is very much conspicuous in its absence in most philosophical discussions of Sex.

    Even within a single relationship, there exists tremendous potential for give and take…be it Tantric, Kundalini, Taoist, or Reiki…whereby the Chi passes from Yin to Yang in stages much like capacitances, or energy shells, often blurring the lines of Identities or Roles.

    Also, Maslow never addressed “Safety” or “Out Words”…and in that respect, I believe him to have been uncharacteristically short-sighted. We could all benefit from “Safety Words” in our Everyday Lives as well.

    Kudos for opening a dialogue that has been previously neglected…in sharing the wealth of our accumulated Wisdom(s), we can learn to mutually satisfy each others’ needs.

    • Actually you can reblog this article in many different ways. There are a series of services (FB, twitter, reddit, email) listed at the bottom of the article that allow you to send the entire artice to other online services. If you want to reblog this article on WordPress, simply copy the web link of my article and include in the article you post in your blog.

      DS

  6. I have a lover who absolutely worships me, my body, mind and soul…..when in bed together, he touches and caresses me constantly and everywhere… he exclaims repeatedly over what he likes,, what he sees and feels.. and guess what…he messages me at least twice a day even when I am wintering in Florida….and those messages are super sexy, a constant turn on;….

    HE IS DOING EVERYTHING RIGHT

    The freedom this gives me, the confidence his words and actions bring, cannot be overstated…..it is true, sensuous love making…. where the journey is the focal point….
    my vixen comes out, I become aggressive , more sensuous, more passionate, and I will never be able to do enough for him…but I will try!!!!

  7. Your theory is sound, I can attest to having made it to level 7 before having the relationship implode. Having revealed my true nature I was rejected and belittled and slowly but surely every level beneath it unravelled bit by bit.

    • I suspect that the sexual effects of doing the dishes depend upon the dynamics of the relationship as a whole. The man who says “I want to ravish you tonight. Prepare yourself for an evening of passion. I’ll take care of the dishes.” has much better prospects than the fellow who feels that his chief contribution to the relationship is the provision of domestic services.

  8. Yes… books like Mating in Captivity indicate doing the dishes (or any other domestic chore will not get her in the mood)…probably just the opposite. does she want to hop on her mother-in-law or maid when they do the dishes?

    Try telling her “to pack her bags, that you are taking her somewhere warm for 3 days. You have taken care of all the responsibilities to be handled during that time…You have purchased new lingerie for her to bring that is in her top drawer. And that you are expecting her to wear it the first night. And then whisper that you can’t wait to ravish every part of her body.” that will work with just about every woman. 🙂

    Or less involved, flirt. Kiss. playful spanks in kitchen telling her she is naughty. pin her against the wall and lick her neck and nibble on her ear. leave romantic notes or send texts. Foreplay should really be happening hours before you make it to bed!

  9. This is the first time I have read about the hierarchy of emotional needs, though I am quite familiar with Maslow. This blog talks of such an ideal that seems so impossable to attain in a romantic relationship. I have always felt that my married sex life (been separated for 5 years now) was so lackluster. Now that I am exploring a drama-free no-strings-attached relationship with someone who I approached to introduce me to the sensual side of BDSM, I didn’t quite expect that our sexual chemistry would be so strong. i am so apprehensive about becoming way too emotionally attached to him, knowing that I was in it for the pursuit of a novel experience and adventure. But then, reading this, I can’t help thinking to myself, ‘I wish’.

  10. Having found this blog by accident I’m so glad it happened. My husband and I have been together 6 years and only just have I mentioned I would like to be his submissive. Now when it comes to everyday life I am very much in control of everything even the money. So asking him to take total control of the bedroom was the 1st step. I look forward to reading the rest of your blog. Thank you for the help 🙂

  11. I’m familiar with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs in regards to academic work.

    I agree with your list to a point. The third level equating emotional/physical safety and trust with being economically provided for by a partner is problematic. In fact, that’s often where a cycle in an abusive relationship starts. I believe that level and definition needs a bit more definition in order to make it clear you aren’t advocating for a mentally or physically abusive relationship. As far as I’ve researched BDSM, it is not a vehicle for abuse.

    The first question I have of you personally at level three is why?
    Why in this modern age would I as a female want/expect a relationship partner to provide for me? Why would I expect that kind of relationship goal stated as a need here would help me accept and trust a relationship? It has nothing to do with trust. Nor does it really have to do with being alpha or submissive female. It has to do with self respect and being able to care for oneself as an adult.

    If anything, that expectation as a female would make me think twice, particularly if I’m a female that had bad experiences with relationship partners in the past. The other word that comes to mind is entrapment or emotional manipulation.

    I can also see where the leap from what might be a very contentious issue to cohabitation might take quite a long time. No one ever controls my finances or my financial security net but me. You are interested in contributing towards dates, dinners, outings, that’s fine. Later splitting household expenses is a given, should the relationship continue.

    Trust doesn’t equate for most modern women to financial security. If it does, they need their heads examined. And grow up. No matter how wonderful a partner is, the worst can and does happen. Death and accidents happen. Wars happen. Natural and man made disasters happen. Women need a financial plan for their future or emergencies. Women fall into poverty far faster and at greater levels because they rely on relationship partners to meet their financial needs. Women outlive men sometimes by decades. I have absolutely no intention of being poverty stricken at the end of a relationship or in my nineties.

    Currently my relationship did not have that expectation when it began or moved forward. I never expected that I would be provided for in that manner. I never wanted to be provided for. I got that, thanks. We have been together a decade. We make joint and separate financial decisions. It works great. We accept gifts from each other that aren’t part of the financial relationship if time, money and inclination happens. Gifts never need to be financial. Surprise gifts are lovely.

    Secondly, level 5 (Appreciation, Respect, Thoughtfulness) can happen at any time in a relationship. Even if you’ve just met. Even if both partners have no interest beyond hooking up or a brief fling. Assisting in the way in which you meet (offering a ride rather than dropping a person at public transportation, taking turns purchasing lunch or dinner, conversations about interests that lead to knowing something that the person might enjoy as a small gift, informative or physical) can lead to further interest on behalf of either potential relationship partner.

    An example is that when I saw something available in the US, instead of another country, I emailed a coworker who was seeking that item. It wasn’t hard to do, and eventually led to another level of relationship interactive trust. Eventually that friend became my relationship partner.

    I expect to be respected as a human being at all times, not just in a sexual or romantic relationship. If I’m being disrespectful to another human being, that’s on me, and is my issue. You as another human being have the equal right to indicate to me your disagreement with my actions. If I see someone verbally or physically abusing another person, I will not hesitate to step in, or call for assistance.

    For example, If you are interested in a relationship and I’m not, I will politely tell you to find someone else. I have a rather fine tuned bullshit detector from working with a vast spectrum of humanity, so I am not interested in your issues, your need to make me “yours” in some way or fashion or be my special friend. This includes men and women. I’m a straight hetero woman, but I’ve seen women who manipulate other women in similiar fashion.

    Far too many people use and abuse others for selfish reasons. Likewise, if we end up chatting and finding we have common interests, or curousity, such as BDSM, or other interests, then things might move from there. It doesn’t mean I don’t find you interesting. It means I have deeply Ingrained sense of self-preservation. You have to prove to me you’re just as worthy to me as you believe you are to others. I don’t play with anyone I know insufficient information about. I won’t even meet them privately.

    Chemistry can be a hellishly tricky thing and not always be about physical passion. It can be about a clash of ideologies, intellect or perspectives. It can be about similiar interests, ethics, academic and work politics, sports teams, elections, one person changing in a way that is not considered favourable by the other.

    Likewise, many relationships based on wholly on attraction are a bad idea from start to finish, and can ruin ones career or life. Most “star crossed” sexual affairs are doomed from the start. I believe that’s where people confuse the sexual/physical with wanting to escape reality.

    “Just let it happen” is a spectacularly bad idea, most often for women than men. Women are often fired, blamed or ostracized for that kind or relationship, while men are harassed but not in a career losing fashion. Businesses fall apart, work departments splinter. It’s extremely unhealthy for the people caught up in the cross fire. No matter be wants to be in that mess.

    A good start on this kind of Maslow’s Needs in regards to a Relationship list. Helping out around the joint residence is great. Whisking relationship partner away of either or same gender is worthy of bonus points.

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