Evoking Changing In Your Sexual Relationship

Each week I receive several emails from women who have read my articles about Sensual Domination and they want to include some aspect of Domination or kink into their sexual relationships but they have experience resistance or disinterest from their male partners. Most of these emails say something like “My Dom or husband or partner or BF refuses to read any of the articles you wrote”…

The Male Perspective:

I have to ask the questions, “Does that sound like a fun or work to your partner? What is in it for him?” As a man, it certainly sounds both like a chore and a subtle criticism of my sexual technique. It sounds like one more task you have added to his “To-Do List” which makes me “tune out” and disengage. The bigger issue is that most men will feel threatened by your independent exploration of your own sexuality as a threat to your relationship. This means that you may be leaving them behind because they are not satisfying your sexual needs. This may explain why you are experiencing resistance or disinterest or hostility. To evoke change, it is much easier and more fun if you use a playful, sexy approach together as a couple -Inclusion and open communications are the keys…

Motivating: Carrots vs. Crops

As an example, I have a good friend named Claude who has a gorgeous, sexy wife Sarah (A minister’s daughter) who grew up in a highly conservative and religious family and their sex life had virtually died after their second child. Over a Friday lunch, he brings up the idea of having a hot sexual affair with the wild, flirty single girl in accounting who is constant flirting and making overtly sexual suggestions of a threesome to him instead of fixing his relationship with his beautiful wife. I pointed out that he was an idiot for considering jeopardizing his whole life and family for a sexual fling.

I suggested that he simply needed to remind his wife that she could be both a good Mom and a sexy woman for him. I instructed him to take her shopping to buy her a few sexy summer dresses and tops. Every time she wore those items his hands were all over her body and they had wildly passionate sex. Every time she wore his favorite sexy dress, he would give her 30 minutes of passionate oral sex and he would constantly mentioned how much he liked when she wore those sexy outfits for him the day after. He simply generously rewarded the behaviour he most wanted – Not a complicated recipe…

She noticed all this new sexual attention so she bought more sexy clothes and shoes to wear for him. They began to use a “Blue Screw” from one of their kids Playschool toys as their secret signal to each other that they wanted hot sex. They would place this blue screw in the fridge, in pots, in her/his lunch bag, in the microwave or on the entry table. They started to make sexy traditions as a couple like Friday night wine & sex in the hot tub with waterproof sex toys, sex during half time of football games on Sunday and yearly couples holidays. The power of traditions is the pleasure is in the repetition of the tradition. They have a much happier and fulfilling marriage now. Crisis averted…

Fun not Work:

The most important goal is to communicate that you want to take your partner along in your sexual exploration. A playful approach, sexy rewards and ongoing encouragement are a much more effective path to evoking change in a relationship than criticism. Encouragement at each small step along the path is the key to progressing down the path of change. In this case, giving carrots work better than using the whip ironically; D

We men are not complicated creatures. If you want to evoke sexual change within your relationship, make it fun for your partner to give you what you most crave. Instead of making him read the articles alone, dress up into something really sexy, open a bottle of wine, read the articles together, tell him which aspects really turn you on and what you would do for him in return if he tried those aspects in the bedroom, then try out a few things and be outrageously generous with your sexual rewards… Voila… You have a happy horny partner who is eager to give you what you want…

IMPORTANT NOTES:

• I fully recognized that NOT every relationship issue can be fixed simply with lingerie and flirting. There are lots of emotional disconnects between couples that require professional help and not everyone is open to seeking that kind of help. In addition, many marital problems are much bigger than sex: betrayal, lying/stealing, abuse, drugs, gambling, drinking, drug use and criminal behavior.
• There is no avoiding the issues of fundamental sexual incompatibility. It is rarely a consideration when we choose a life partner but it is often a deciding factor in break up. Unfortunately, we rarely fully know our sexuality when we get married in our 20’s – we are too young and immature still. As we mature in our sexuality, the gaps in compatibility become much more obvious. It is one of the cruel tricks in life.
• BUT there are lots of couples who are slowly drifting apart and don’t know how to stop the tailspin and reconnect as a couple. For those people, simple fixes can and do work.

Please comment or “LIKE” or “SHARE” this article… If this article raises questions in your mind, please post a comment for me. I look forward to discussing these ideas with like-minded people. If you want to stay informed of future writings, please subscribe to email notifications or Twitter.

~DominantSoul